Has any one any good joke's?

Heres a crap one to start off :-

How many Roadies does it take to change a lightbulb??
??
?
1 ,1 , 2, 1, 3,2,1

rofl

What do you call a mexican with rubber toes?
?
?
<<<reburto>>>
xD

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a pint of 2% milk,a carton of eggs,a pint of orange juice,a head of lettuce, a large jar of coffee, and 8 rashers of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,"You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

LOL, excellent

rofl



ok



what you call an idiot...

dit

what you call two idiots....

dit dun

what you calll an nation of idiots......

dit dun dun dun n nu nuun n n dun dun dun dun (<<< american national anthem )


( works better when you do it real )


ok another one oyu need to reply for it to work

####

whats a shitsu?

a dog ?

Aye, a tiny, ugly Japanese dog.

xD rite but wrong

a Zoo With no Animals

okaay i think we need an under 5's joke section for MaZ

A Mother ask's her son to go to the shops, to buy a BUCKET,BUN & a new CLOCK, However her son has a slight speech impendiment.

Off stolls the boy to the local shop's, 1st he enters the bakers,

" Can i have a Bum pls", ask's the boy,

" Surley you mean a Bun?", replies the baker,

"yes thats wot i said!" ,exclaimes the lad, so the baker sells the boy a Bun, and off he strolls to the Clock shop,

"Hello, id like a new cock please!", asks the lad,

"Surley you mean a new Clock?", replies the assistant,

"Yes thats wot i sed!", so the assistant sells the boy a new clock, and off he sets to the Hardware store,

"Hello, id like to buy a new fu*ket please!",the store manager looks at the lad and replies "Surley, you mean a new Bucket?"

"Yes, Thats wot i sed!",so the store manager sells the lad a new bucket.

Whilst taking his shopping home a passer by asks him if he has the time?

The lad replies!

"SURE!, JUST HOLD MY BUM AND FU*KET, TILL I GET MY COCK OUT!"

lmao

under fives

ill show you under fives!!!!!!

######

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot,
dry fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three
inches...I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three
inches...that fish will jump for the fly...and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes
down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that
bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and
have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake, but I
can tell you there was more. A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was
thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps
for that fly...and that bear grabs for that fish...the dumb hunter will
shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time
"gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that
fly...and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that
bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I can have
mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling
mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... the bear grabs the
fish... the hunter shoots the bear... the mouse grabs the
cheese sandwich. The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks... The cat
falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is: Whenever a fly goes down three inches some pussy
is in danger.

Sorry Maz m8, that's just not very funny ;-)

A boy came into the house with a sofa on his back. His father said, "How many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers!?"

A man, a lawyer, a redneck, a nun, a blonde, a dog, and a priest walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40.

One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40 -- could not stop laughing.

He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John relunctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!"

But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."

oh peeerlease

1st one wasn't bad Russ.